Monday
Mar142011

Mandy's Story

Reading these stories has helped me. And so I share mine, in hopes that good will come from something that has hurt me deeply.
 
I always wanted to be a mother. I pictured myself loving every minute of pregnancy, and the joy and memories that bringing my children into the world would create. I didn't expect infertility. But I am glad God allowed it, because it taught me patience, and it taught me the priceless blessing of a life. I didn't expect pregnancy to be so hard on me. My body is not the same as it was 4 babies ago. But I am glad God allowed it, because I have learned to appreciate the value of working hard to take care of myself and eat right, and to do what's right for my body whether it responds or not.
 
I didn't expect for each one of my birth experiences to be so troublesome and uncertain. Preeclampsia with my two girls, two boys that were bigger than my body seems to tolerate, a uterus that somehow ensured each one of them would be posterior and cock-eyed, and a body that can't seem to get itself in labor for anything. I managed to push the first three out after an entire day of laboring. My third and fourth epidurals worked only for a short time, then they gave out. I am still glad God allowed it, because I learned that even when the worst happens to me, He is there to get me through.
 
I didn't expect to have to have my fourth baby cut from me. But he was over 10 pounds, and his head was turned wrong, and without the epidural my strength eventually gave out and his heartrate became erratic. I cried all the way to the operating room. I had a doctor I didn't trust who was abrasive and pushy, and now his mark is on my abdomen for life.
 
From such a big baby, I have a huge fold of skin that drapes over my scar. Some here have said that they are glad it hides the scar. To me, it draws attention to it. And it peeks out from every piece of clothing I have tried. My scar taunts me. It says I failed to bring my son into the world correctly. It says that he is healthy and beautiful and precious. The trade off was this horrible, ugly, sagging skin covered in stretch marks. This off centered, numb scar that hurts or itches from time to time even now when it has been almost a year. The knowledge that inside I have a cervical tear that I'm told means I can never even try to give birth naturally again.
 
This is the hardest one to be thankful for. But I'm glad God allowed it. If for no other reason than for the reminder that His love is sure even when I become less than I was.
 
When I look at my scar it says "I will always be with you, so you might as well accept me and learn from me, and comfort others who have me too."
 
When I touch my scar it says "Don't touch, I'm too unnatural and sensitive. Don't bother to shave here, it's going to be ugly either way. And don't let anyone see me. Not even your loving husband. Be ashamed of me."
 
But it can never make me be ashamed of the four beautiful children that have become my world. No regrets.
 

front view of c section scar, over 11 months postpartum

 side view of the large flap of skin covering the scar 
 

other side of the flap

the actual scar itself when the skin is lifted
Tuesday
Dec282010

Ashley E

I had a Caesarean birth in May of 2009. . . since that day all I do is hope and pray that one day I will get give birth the way I always want to. Intervention free. (HOMEBIRTH!)

Every time I look in the mirror at myself and can see the scar I am reminded of that day I "gave birth" to my son. I love him no less, but I will never feel the closure needed to get over it. I recognize that it is a nice scar. It isn't all evil and scary looking. It healed nicely and is fairly straight. It does not completely disrupt my flow, but the mental notes attached to it are overwhelming. I remember the feeling of not having any control while in labor and now I have a scar to prove it. It makes me angry. I wish it weren't there. It's my battle wound.

I barely stand the thought of being touched on or around the scar. It is terribly uncomfortable. Some parts around the scar are completely numb. Severed nerves. Makes me sick.

It's unfortunate that I feel so badly about the way I "gave birth". . . it is what it is, I guess.

 

Tuesday
Dec282010

Jamie

My birth story is a story is not the way I had planned. I was asleep in bed when my water broke, Jan. 26, 2009. While cupping myself, I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I called my mom shaking like a leaf. I woke up my Don, my husband and he flew out of bed (just went to sleep like an hour before). I called the doc and they returned my call and told me to stay at home till the contractions got closer together. She asked me if I was feeling the baby move around and I was not. She said to eat something and try to get the baby moving. I didn't feel her move so I called back and they told me to go to the hospital.

I got to the hospital and they wanted to actually make sure my water broke because I had no pain. I had to wear a thick pad and walk the halls. My husband had me laughing and water was just gushing out. About an hour later, I had to show the pad, which was drenched and bloody. Then a resident wanted to check me. She took a sample of the fluid and came back and told me that my water didn't break. I told her yeah cause of the gushes I was having. She wanted to check me again, she was between my legs and told me to push. I pushed so hard and sprayed all over her! HA. THEN, she comes back and tells me that my water STILL hasn't broken!! WTCrap! They admitted me anyway. I didn't even have all my stuff cause I figured they would send me home. 

I walked the halls…..walk….walk….walk & walk and NOTHING!! I sat on a ball, nothing! Was having very mild contractions but no biggie. I even said "if this is what contractions are, I can do this NO PROBLEM", then I said "I know I will eat my words later"!

They gave me a Cervidil. Contractions were coming more frequently still, the pain wasn't that bad. I was told the next morning that I would be induced. The rest of the night, I had little to no sleep. The contractions kept me awake. 

Jan. 27th, they gave me the evil drug pitocin and was on my way! Boy, did I eat my words! I was dilating SOOOOO SLOOOW and was in SO MUCH PAIN!! I was given Stadol. Just took the edge off, still felt the contractions. They kept checking me and wasn't really dilating!! GRRRR!!! I was doing good with the contractions, THANKS to my mom!! She and I had eye contact and she was breathing with me. She was my focal point and what we were doing was definately working!! My midwife told me when I get to 4 cm, I can get a epidural (YEY) hours passed and I was checked, I was 4!! YEY well, so I thought, she wouldn't let me have one. WHAT?????

I begged for a c-section! She was like "no, you can do this". I begged for anything! I got NOTHING! One nurse was horribly rude to say the least. I looked at her and said "it just hurts so bad", her reply "what did you think was going to happen???", WHAT???? GRRRRR!!!

Hours and hours passed, I was checked, I was 5 (YES, only 5) FINALLY, they gave me my epidural! The BEST invention EVER!! Hours and hours passed again, they checked, I was FINALLY ready to push. I pushed, pushed, pushed for 2 and 1/2 hours, no baby. They told me I was going for a c-section, BUT they never turned off the pitocin. My mom freaked out, my sister called the hospital and screamed at the nurses. It was shut off then I was off to the OR for a c-section. 

While laying there, I was cold and SOOOOOO scared! I was shaking uncontrollably. They were ready to start. My arms were not belted down like I'd seen on TV and they kept shaking off the table. I kept asking for my husband and finally he was there by me. I felt them cut me. I told them, they said "we didn't tell you that you wouldn't feel anything", WHAT?????

So, Leah was born Jan. 28th. First word out of the doc's mouth was, "WOW, she is a big girl!". They showed her face over the drape and went to clean her up. I told Don to go take pics. On the way back he said he saw all my innards! (ha-ha) They weighed her right in front of us as I was being sewed and stapled shut. 9lbs, 13.5ozs, WOW she was way bigger than I thought! Was bigger than what all the docs thought also. I just couldn't get her out! TOO BIG!! BUT I had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl. 

The rest of my visit was horrible. I didn't get to shower till the next day. Don actually washed my body while I stood there in horrible, awful pain! I ended up staying at the hospital for 4 days after giving birth. My aunt worked at he hospital as a lactation consultant, which was great. She tried to get Leah to latch, wasn't having it. I had to pump then bottle feed her. I told my aunt my birth story and told them that I had a horrible experience and that I will never give birth in the hospital (thanks to the nurses) and never have the same docs again! She brought in the head of the hospital to talk to me. She wanted the names of the nurses (I had other rude nurses, and I couldn't remember their names!) and to write a letter to the hospital. I never did. But I will never have a baby there again!! Horrible hospital! 

A week later (yes, a week later) they wanted to take my staples out. Few days later, was at the ER. I had an infection that luckily, I caught early. The staples were taken out to early, but I didn't know. Horrible doc!! 

So, even though I had a horrible hospital issue, what my scar says when I look at it is "even though you didn't have a vaginal birth, its amazing that your body carried a baby for 9 months and still gave birth to a healthy happy baby. It doesn't matter how she was brought into this world, she is here." 

What my scar says when I touch it is "we brought Leah into this world together. You didn't give up, I am here cause you needed other assistance bringing her into the world".

I have no bitter feelings toward the scar. I rarely touch it though. It is hard, bumped out and numb. Sometimes it burns or feels like it's being ripped open. I am ok with it. It's a part of me. I think it as a gift from my daughter that I will have forever. I would do everything all over again… well, almost everything.

 

21 months post-cesarean

Tuesday
Dec282010

3 Babies; 3 Scars

My first cs is the lower of the scars. Pit induction at 37 weeks for one bp of 160/90 or so, labs were fine though. First baby, didn't know any better, just wanted to be a good patient. I'm sure she was catywhompus anyway.

Ah, scar number two, hbac attempt to icky not fun cs. Of my scars this is the one that makes me saddest. Always thinking if I had done this or that different maybe I wouldn't have said scar, I was thiiiiiiis close....

Because of my muscles being cut into twice before and ultra loose hip joints I was in constant pain with preg number three. I was told that I risked perm hip damage if I tried to pass a kid through there, so cs there was planned, I still have days where I think I should have tried though.

I have no feeling in my lower left quadrant from my cs, I have def probs with my hips in the winter and have pt I do to try to strengthen the damaged muscles to help hold them together.

Tuesday
Dec282010

My Scars Are Loved

My scars are loved. It's where my beautiful children entered this world.
Love.

I had a sketchy troublesome first pregnancy, almost lost my Baby at 24 weeks. Bed rest. Lost what little confidence I had in my body/birth. I had an elective c section. My Doctor did try to talk me out of it, he was against the idea. Ultimately it is my body, my choice.

With my Second I had another elective c section. I feel if I knew that I could have successful natural births, I would have. But I had no faith in my body or birthing, and I wanted control.

I was glad that my water broke the morning of my first C section. I knew Baby was ready. I do wonder how it would have gone if I birthed naturally that morning.
Friday
Oct012010

Joy

What do my scars say?

Scar 1

Heartbreak.  Disconnect.  Confusion.  Anger.  Pain.
Bumpy.  Red.  Sore.  Knotted.  Angry.
Out of place.
Unsupported.
Groggy.
Distanced from my baby.  Ignored.  Left out.

VBAC

Determined.  Focused.  Natural.  My terms.  Unafraid.
Intense.  Overwhelming.  An experience.
Attempted.
I carried to the operating room the benefits of the labor experience.
I carried to the operating room the peace that I had tried and that this time it was MY decision.
Old scar cut away from me, in so many ways.

Scar 2

Less bumpy.  Less raw.  Calmer.  Less Angry.
Disappointed.
More connected.
Joyful.
Supported.  United with my child.  Skin to skin, nursing.
My child never leaving my side.
Respected.

The difference?  Education.  Preparation.  Prayer.  Support.  Advocacy.  Bravery.
 

Thursday
Sep232010

Heather A.

My son's birth (extraction) story is too long, and probably too graphic to have on the site, so I'll give you links to it and let you decide if you want to link it there (I wouldn't post it outright... WAY too long!).
 
My first son, Jericho, died of a fatal abnormality called Classic Potter's Syndrome. There is no cure or treatment, he was born without kidneys and the cells which make them never developed. He died peacefully, without tubes and wires, in his father's arms. 50% of babies affected with it are stillborn, and the rest pass within hours of birth, mothers carrying babies afflicted do not carry beyond 35 weeks. While my son lived about an hour... I never got to see him alive due to medical mismanagement of my unnecessary cesarean. I fought, but not hard enough, and he was taken from me while I lay unconscious on a cold slab. I was so disconnected from the experience that it took over a year for the grief to truly hit. He was 34 weeks to the day when he arrived. A little early, but chubby and a head full of long black hair.
 
The doctor and nurses that tended to me that night were very unkind, and when I received his handprints the following day it was clear they hadn't even tried to give me something clear. They didn't even bother to unfold his fingers, even inking the top of his knuckles instead. It was pathetic. What I got was partial, smudged and barely classifies as a set of prints. It was devastating.
 
When I was pregnant with him he favoured one side; he always sat there, bum down, pushing against this one spot on my inner hip. I know now that it was his hand that I was feeling. None of my other babies have favoured a spot quite like he did.
When he was taken from my body the only mark that was left behind was an ugly scar. Every time I looked at it I felt angry and depressed: I didn't remember my surgery, I didn't remember his last kicks, his last breath, or see his face while he was still alive. I was angry that it was all I had, and I hated to see it. I still hate it. I wished he'd left something real, like stretch marks, or even padding from the extra weight... instead the surgeons carved me bare and replaced his memory with their disgusting sense of vanity. I desperately wanted something of his to be left on my body; something other than a scar from a surgery that I didn't have any part of, didn't want, and didn't need.
I decided I wanted a tattoo of his handprint in his favourite place. Unfortunately, because the prints were so mangled it took me years of canvasing tattoo artists to find one talented enough to say they would attempt to reconstruct it. Everyone I asked said they couldn't draw the details of a print and at best it would look like a "paint blob" with no definition or individuality... just a generic baby hand.
I finally made the appointment a few weeks ago when I found someone special. The artist I chose took his partial set of prints, and a template that my best friend had provided from her newborn daughter (she was one of the only people present at his birth and death, so having her involved is special to me) and reconstructed his hand using tracings, one little curve at a time. She painstakingly kept all his palm lines in tact (the only part of his prints that was preserved!) and made such a perfect reproduction that it really does look like he pressed his hand into ink and touched me.
 
Now when I look at my stomach, the scar doesn't look quite as bad... It's still horrible to see, and hard to imagine it's really there, but at least now there is a part of my son there too. This is his place, and he has finally made his mark.
 
The first photo, the smaller and uncensored black and white, is one I took less than a month following the surgery: I was trying to show how the scar made me feel.
The second is from the day after I received my tattoo. The scar looks exactly the same as it did almost 5 years ago... but it feels different today.

  

 
Thursday
Sep232010

Faye

I've been pregnant now three times, I have an 18 year old, a 17 month old and one on the way in December.

My first Csection was horrible, after being in labor for ten hours the doctor decided that I could not have my son vaginally and being as young as I was I didn't fight it. So I was whisked away to the OR to have my son.

Sixteen years eight months later I delivered my second son via C section, I couldn't find a doctor in my area that would do a VBAC or at least let me try. So there I was again with yet another major surgery. Today I'm with the same doctor because again there are no doctors in my area that will even consider a VBAC for me.

C sections are painful, scarring, humiliating, and sometimes unnecessary. My stomach now has the "Mother's Apron" that fold at the bottom, which will never ever go away.

Good thing is I have two beautiful healthy boys and a daughter on the way.

Thursday
Sep232010

Kate

My scar is a source of physical pain and emotional torment, it is lumpy and the skin is all in the wrong place.  The rest of my tummy is flat and taught, but the scar has a saggy bit of fat which does not go.

 

I hate my scar, every time I see it it reminds me of the day I was stripped of my rights as a human and physically forced into surgery I didn't want and didn't need...  Worse than that, it reminds me every 
day that in a following pregnancy I had placenta percreta, nearly lost my uterus, nearly lost my baby and nearly lost my life, all because I had a previous section for failure to let nature do its work and the placenta stuck to that scar inside me.  Before that I had three miscarriages, at 6, 10 and 17 weeks.

 

Even my blissful home birth between the sections does not dull the fear and pain.  My body and my mind are scarred, my children deprived of their mother for the hours they were cared for by a system which 
does not much care, deprived of that human touch, taught that the world is cruel and they can be abandoned when they need the most support.

 

This is my scar, which is considered 'healed well' according to my notes ...  The first is lying down, the second standing. At 8 months old it is probably as healed as it will get, but it is a source of constant pain and irritation, never mind the aesthetic issues.  The two scars are evident and there is considerable tethering of the scar to the underlying tissue and a gap in the fat layer.  The scar is also about 3cm above my pubic bone, and actually was much higher than that when the skin was stretched during pregnancy...  The first section was unplanned but not emergency, so it is not as though there was no time for preparation or to be careful about the position. This is apparently a 'good scar' according to the obstetrician who did it, although I'm not sure how much experience he has of scars well after the event.  I am waiting for a second appointment with a reconstructive surgeon to repair the tethering which is causing pain now I've seen the obs. team to rule out any internal damage.

 
Monday
Jun072010

VBA3C

Danielle Arnold McKenny would love to share her Victory: VBA3C story. Read and cheer with her!

Monday
Jun072010

Amelia

Monday
Jun072010

Cj's Story

I absolutely love this site.  I wish when I was younger there had been something available such as this. I had my first two babies before we ever had the internet. It's nice to see other women go through the same thing.  And also nice to be able to share with others.
 
One thing to note are that my scar changed with each baby! I have three children and have three c-sections. It could have been weight gain, obviously, but even after the first baby my scar did not look very pleasant in the presence of A LOT of stretch marks.  Now I am much heavier than I ever was and it shows in my belly but I am happier with myself that I have ever been. There came a time in my life where I came to terms with my body and my c-sections and birth stories. I stopped obsessing with not getting my vaginal birth a long time ago, so for anyone who feels cheated out of vaginal birth...you may still feel at peace with it later. I feel connected to my children, regardless. They each have their own story of how they came into this world. My stomach was crooked and more pronounced on one side after my first c-section, and it looks like my belly still has that issue! If you look closely you might be able to count three c-section scars, and a tubal reversal scar (which is smaller in width). My scars got much lighter with time.
 
I am not quite 5' tall, 4' 11" 3/4 if we want to be exact. I weighed about 138 pounds at delivery of my first baby and every stretch mark you see on that belly was created during my first pregnancy.  I guess I was stretched out enough for the other two.  My almost 18 year old daughter was born in June of 1992 at 7lbs. 10 ounces and 20 3/4" long, a week late, and I was only 18 years old myself. She was as gorgeous as she is now, with dark hair and blue eyes, and olive colored skin (not like her mama!). She was born in a military hospital, they didn't offer epidurals, and I had 18 hours of labor. Surprisingly I handled the labor pretty well! I was tired but I didn't freak out. I dilated to an 8 but didn't progress and her head was floating, she never really engaged. Thus the c-section. I wish my labor had been different. I was stuck in a cold room, in a hospital bad, catherized, no medication, and unable to move!  I think if I had been in a more natural setting it may have helped me to move around and get her moved into position, but that's just a theory.She was slightly unresponsive at birth, no loud cries, just a little squeak out of her. She was stressed out by that long labor.  Also of note here is that the hospital didnt get me out of bed for two days straight. They didn't have me move and I stayed catherized. It was terrible and I think subsequently made my uterus not heal well and created a lot of scar tissue.
 
My second pregnancy I weighed 142 pounds at delivery. I was 20 years old, going on 21. I wanted a VBAC with him and desperately tried what was within my power to have that happen. They induced my labor 2 days before he was due because I was low in amniotic fluid, very low. 12 hours of labor, an epidural, and a pain that I could never describe that even the epidural didn't seem to take care of. They kept telling me it was his head moving down but it sure didn't feel like that. I dilated to a 6. I did not handle that labor as well as my first.  There was a lot of pain and crying with my contractions. I don't know exactly what made the doctor decide to do a c-section but I know I was sad about it. My Dad called and said to me while I was in labor "Just do this c-section, this isn't a competition". Well, it ended up being a good call, actually. As my doctor was doing my c-section I had a uterine rupture. The doctor and nurses got to witness right before them the spontaneous rupture across my old scar, through a major artery, and down into my cervix. My son was delivered instantly and he was fine, thank the Lord. He had a bowl movement before he was born, and with little amniotic fluid around him it was stuck to him like tar! He came out screaming and it would be hours til I held him (but once I did, it was like I knew him my entire life). There was a lot of blood loss for me, blood transfusion, and four and half hours of surgery. The doctor was actually preparing to do a hysterectomy but my bladder had adhered to my uterus and they had to call in a urologist to come in and do bladder surgery (I had to walk around with a cathater and my "pee" bag for almost 2 weeks after), which actually saved my uterus because by the time they removed the bladder my bleeding had stopped and they didn't want to risk more hemorrhaging. The doctor begged and pleaded with me to get a tubal ligation and I refused. The doctor told me by no means should I try to carry another baby. I was devastated because I was young and wanted more children. He was born 11/1994 at 7lbs 12 ounces and 20 1/2" long.
 
The third baby was a surprise. I managed to make it 5 years without getting pregnant. I was worried about carrying her but I had several doctors tell me that it would be ok and it was. She was a planned c-section, she was born 8/2000 and was 8lbs 6 ounces and 19" long, strong and healthy, and came out screaming like an opera singer. The girld coulda busted some windows with that scream and she still can! I weighed 152 pounds at delivery with her. I had a very uneventful pregnancy and delivery. In fact when the doctor delivered her he told me how great my uterus looked considering what I had gone through and that my scarring was minimal and the uterus was not thin as it was before. I attribute it to doing a lot of moving around after my second c-section, cause this helped not to heal everything into one place and cause scar tissue! Moving around is important, but don't over do it. I made sure I moved around a lot after the third baby too. She was big, she was healthy, and the previous doctor was WRONG. I had proof.  Regardless, I went ahead and tied my tubes reluctantly.
 
June 2009 I had a tubal reversal. I have been pregnant twice, with two miscarriages since. My tubes are very short at 2cm each so I think is part of the reason why it's hard to get an baby to implant correctly. My current doctor has reassured me that I can carry another baby, it will be another c-section, but being under good medical supervision I should be fine. My youngest daughter is 9 years old now, so there is a huge age difference in my children and future child to be. I am now 36 years old. My husband is 43 years old. We will try for one more baby and then I will call it quits. I will start my first round of IVF next month.

 

 

Thursday
May062010

Ashley

I don't have any pictures but here is my story.

On 5-22-09 I went in just to check to see if I was dilated . As I was waiting to see my OB, I realized I thought I needed to pee and I went to the bathroom and as soon as I closed the door my water broke. My mom went to my appointment with me and they had already called me back to my room and my mom was in there waiting for me. I opened the door and I saw my mom and I was like I think my water broke and sure enough it had.
They made me rush to the hospital , I had nothing with me cause I was with my mom. So I had to rush and call my Husband and tell him to get off work and come on it was time for little Ethan to be here.
I get to the hospital and I got checked in and I started to walk the hallways and outside trying to get my labor started cause I was only three cm. Well I finshed my walking and went back to my room to get monitored for a little while longer.
Well after being there for 3 hours I wasn't progressing at all so they decided to start the pitocin at a low setting and then after awhile I was put to the highest setting. My contractions still weren't consistant and it was working on 15 hours after my water broke so at 3:45 the decided I would need a c-section.
So after the prep work and the bag of antibiotics they sent me to surgery and Ethan was born at 4:26am at 8lbs and 21 inches long.
Honestly it was the best thing to happen because I learned that my pelvis was closed too tight from a fractured pelvis 4 years before and I would never be able to have a child naturally. 
Tuesday
May042010

Laura

 

38 weeks with my second child and 18 months after my first c section

12 days pp from my second c section

My first c section was horrible cold and sterile although looking back I was more accepting of it (maybe because I didn't know any different), my partner held my hand and I cried the whole time. I had been given too much in my spinal/epi and I was numbed up to my lips unable to move my arms , my blood pressure spiked and I wandered in and out of consciousness . Finally things levelled out and I was left with a massive headache down half the side of my face.  The doctor didn't announce that my son was about to be born the last thing we heard before he was rushed over to the warmer was "oh there's alot of fluid" then my son screaming. I remember trying to turn my head to see him but even that was hard as I was just so numb.

My partner went with him over to the warmer and cut the cord (which I didn't get to see) and then he was briefly brought over and I was told I could kiss his head , I wanted to hold him but I couldn't move my arms. Then my partner and son were taken away to another room and I was left in the operating room for 45 mins listening to my baby scream in the next room while he was poked and jabbed. Finally in recovery i was handed my son i could move my arms by this point. My son was placed on me and my breast shoved hastily in his mouth by a nurse he wasn't interested.  I ended up staying in hospital 6 days with a infection that they couldn't explain, my son had issues holding onto his blood sugar levels  and the nursing staff gave him formula so in the end he wasn't interested in breast feeding and after everything I had been through neither was I .

My second pregnancy was a breeze also; I didn't even get morning sickness. When i started going to my antenatal appointments around 20 weeks It was noted I wanted to try for a VBAC at every appointment when I would ask questions I was told different things so subconsciously I probly knew they would never actually let me try. I go to my 38 week appointment and I'm told the head is now not engaged and there is a risk of the cord being lower than the head, I'm told they will give me a week to go into labour on my own and the schedule a c section for 39 weeks. I had educated myself this time i knew better i wanted better but in the end I gave up fighting.

This c section was wonderful I was lucky enough to find myself a dr in a week (family friend) He was great he let us take the sheet down and take photos he even let my partner watch over the curtain and they chatted away at he was performing the procedure . We got to see my daughter be born out of my stomach, as much as I didn't want another c section this was as close as I was going to get to my perfect birth and I'm very appreciative to my wonderful doctor for giving me that. This c section went as well as I could have hoped yet it was harder to accept my belief for this is I think it could have been avoided altogether.

When I touch my scar it is tender at the moment as its only 12 days old, I think it will heal physically before I heal emotionally I'm thankful both my babies are healthy and safe. I just wish I didn't feel like my body has failed me twice over, I never experienced labour not one single contraction I will never know what childbirth feels like.

Monday
May032010

Jennifer

 

My scar is still numb, almost sixteen years later. I'm still angry about it all, the whole thing should never have happened.
 
I planned for a normal, unmedicated, midwife assisted delivery and then two full years of unhindered breastfeeding no supplements.
 
That's not what I got!
 
What I did get was a midwife who had no idea how to support me, whom I saw twice throughout two days of being induced! She loved the idea of inducing me for big baby late date fears, then went on to breaking my waters to bring my baby down, she didn't allow me to have food for then entire two full days of induction,(my mother snuck me in a hamburger and fries when they turned off the pit that night!). I didn't want drugs of any kind, so no epidural or narcotics for the intense back to back contractions the pit brought.  IV fluids of course, so swollen feet and legs, no mobility outside of using the restroom, 100% of the time being hooked up to a monitor which really annoyed me! I basically pushed flat on my back with no urge to push at all but being instructed to do so anyway.... for two in half hours! 
I did finally get an urge to push, but I was already rolled into the OR and the doctor was already putting in the spinal, so I was YELLED AT TO STOP because they didn't want to have to shove him back up into the birth canal. They had to anyway, because being upright for the spinal was what I needed to help my baby get down. Nobody talked to me during my surgery or told me what they were doing, I felt like throwing up the entire time, then they sliced my bladder, so I now have chronic UTI's. I got postpartum infections back to back, mastitis so severe that I ended up bottle feeding. That surgery then lead to two more for adhesion's and then the third for a ruptured ectopic that resulted in removal of my right tube, not to mention almost dying.... The top of my left thigh is forever numb as well..... Good times!!
 
There are times however, even with all of that that I am indeed grateful that it did happen. Why? I went on to HBAC four beautiful children (whom were all bigger!). I am now very educated about my body and how it works and help others become educated as well.
 
All in all I'm still pissed........... fifteen, in June 16 years later. I don't believe that will ever change. AND I don't trust OB's as far as I can throw them!